Loving Unavailable People. Learn how to not do it!

by M. McMahon

Oh, why do we love those that can't love us back? It's the agony of romantic comedies, tragedies and endless journal entries. If you are stuck in the sad pattern of falling into relationships that leave you without love, you may be loving unavailable people.

Remember, it takes two to be in a bad relationship. That's why it's important to look at your choices so that you can get out of the untouchable tango and into a healthy (equal!) partnership. Here's how to find out if you love unavailable people and, if so, see how to move on!

If they're committed - they're unavailable!
Sounds so obvious, doesn't it? Then you hit it off at a party and talk all night long and smile and flirt and just before you lean in for a kiss, the cell phone rings. It's the roommate - the lover best friend who lives in their shared apartment. But, don't worry... they're going to break up any day now. Which you tell yourself repeatedly when you come by for an afternoon quickie that has to be done by 4:30pm because that's when the "roommate" comes home from making the world a better place. Don't bargain with this in your head. It's a landmine. Don't just be friends. It's a landmine. If you are sincerely attracted to someone in a committed relationship, you are attracted to pain. Walk away. Because even if your fantasy of breaking them up comes true, watch your back. For the next time they cheat on the "lover-best-friend-they-are-living-with", it will be you!

Don't lie - to yourself!
If you would rather lie to yourself than confront the person you're sleeping with, you are loving an unavailable person. They said they would call Sunday night. Instead, when you call on Tuesday they explain how busy it's been with work and life. If you would rather justify this in your head with, well, we don't have to see each other all the time, or some other lame explanation for the fact that you were so low on the priorities that everything else comes first, then you are chasing someone who doesn't care about you. Your hesitation to simply say, "I was hurt when you didn't call me" is because you would rather make up excuses than face the fact that this relationship isn't what you want it to be. If you believe that this relationship will dissolve if you communicate how you really feel, then it's not really a relationship, is it?

Once is enough
If you have never loved someone who has loved you back, you are going to love an unavailable person. We learn to love those that can't show up for us from our primary love relationships - for most of use, that is our parents. It may not be as simple as whether or not your parents were married or divorced, but rather, did they engage with you in a consistent and loving manner? Were they willing to put your needs first when it counted? Did you feel safe to express how you feel and that what you said mattered? If you weren't loved in a healthy way, you will seek the same dynamic in your romantic relationships. The good news is, you only have to love an unavailable person once in your life. Then you have a choice to do it the same way and feel the same way or to try it another way and see what love has for you!

Love yourself
It's important to realize that you need to love yourself more than you love the unavailable person. When you love someone who can't show up for you, you are participating in the dance of unfulfilling love. You are judging yourself unworthy of a deeper consciousness. You are putting yourself below someone who can't even really see you.

Love yourself first. Treat yourself like royalty. Indulge yourself with self-care and cultivate friendships with healthy loving people. You will find your way to attracting someone who can love you as much as you love yourself. We teach others how to treat us. If you are showing up for yourself, you won't be able to tolerate someone who doesn't show up for you.

Spiritual Sex: How to Make Love on the Spiritual Sexual Plane

Sex can be so much more than a time-limited physical event that unfolds under the covers and concludes with an orgasm. Your mind and spirit need sex just as much as your body does. By connecting solely through your physical body, you're missing two thirds of the sexual experience.

The big O really isn't the-end-all-be-all. Connecting sex and spirit can nourish you way beyond a "Was it good for you?" model of physical satisfaction, says Gina Ogden, Ph.D, who is a sex therapist and the author of The Heart and Soul of Sex: Making the ISIS Connection. When you're on the spiritual path, the standards for sexual fulfillment doesn’t depend on how you perform.

To feel bliss, it's much better to combine spirituality with sexuality. "To connect the mind, body, and spirit in one moment allows us to transcend the ordinary, physical life and move to a higher, more fulfilling plane," says Ogden.

The reason we often have sexual experiences without the spiritual aspect is because we are not aware we can have both, adds Scott Kudia, Ph.D, who is author of If This is Love, Why Am I Unhappy? The 3 Keys to Getting the Relationship You Want. "We're too caught up in our ego and/or fixated on fulfilling short-term gratification."

In truth, adds Kudia, sexuality and spirituality are dependent upon each other. We need our five senses to experience spirituality and we need our spiritual awareness to enjoy life in our physical body. "If your spirituality is weak, your sexuality will not be strong. And if you don't accept your sexuality, your spirituality will be weak."

Alas, many of us experience only the physical (and often negative) aspects of sex such as lust; sexual addiction, and infidelity. The more positive aspects of our sexuality, however, open our hearts to love and our higher selves. In the words of a 50-year-old holistic health practitioner from Los Angeles, "we are closest to God/universe when we are sexual."

So how do you become a divine lover? And how do you connect with your partner on a spiritual sexual plane? No worries, there are numerous ways you can open yourself up. Be prepared to venture into some unknown terrain which may perhaps be beyond your comfort zone, says Ogden.

Broaden Your Horizons

Start by broadening your definition of sex, says Ogden. "Allow your sexual discourse to include more than biology and performance. Let every thought, feeling, and conversation you have about sex include emotional, spiritual, and cultural elements."

Also consider how you view sex - is it tied in to guilt, shame and fear? Were beliefs instilled in you at a young age, which caused sexual paralysis? Do you consider the orgasm standard a measure of sexual satisfaction?

Meanwhile, explore the meaning to your existence; consider your personal laws and needs. What is your calling and are you living by that? For instance, mine is to lead an examined life. The deeper you know yourself, the deeper your union with someone else can be.
Your home and career should also be aligned and fulfilling. Give your life stability. Create a personal philosophy that will guide you through your everyday concerns such as, "this too shall pass."

"When you've got these things in congruence, then you are ready to learn how to make love," says Kudia. Incidentally, the Kama Sutra is not only about sexual positions. In fact, it advises us how to prepare for sexual experiences by reviewing our lives.

Practice safety as erotic foreplay
Safety is important on the spiritual path. It's especially crucial if you have a history of hurt or abuse, says Ogden. "Wounds of the body are also wounds of the spirit. All the internal armor you had to develop in order to survive the past may be preventing you from feeling a full range of pleasure now."

You may need to hear soft words and feel soft hands. You may need reassurance, tenderness, prayer and meditation, says Ogden. "You may need to re-connect with rebellious parts of yourself-like the little kid who's kicking and screaming at the idea of any sex at all. Give her a fun job, like playing with the massage oil. She may make a mess but she'll keep herself entertained so the rest of you can focus deeply on connecting with your self and your partner."

Speak your heart
Sharing deep feelings is essential on the spiritual path. You may need to laugh, cry, and bare your soul. Let your partner (and yourself) know all about your ravenous desire for meaning and connection.

Ogden says it's also important to be clear about how you communicate, even when messages come directly from your soul. In her book, she offers these ground rules to make sure your deep sharing leads you where you want to go. Some specifics:
Use "I" statements: "I feel." "I want." "I am..."

Keep it positive. Offer liberal amounts of appreciation and praise-to yourself, to your partner, to the cosmos.

Accept all appreciation and praise that comes to you (this can be tough for women who've been taught to put themselves down routinely, but get used to it. It's time to learn to tough it out).

Keep it simple. Too much talk gets in the way of feeling and being. Remember that useful phrase,"talk does not boil rice."

Listen to your partner. Erotic connection is always a two-way street.

The Moves
Spiritual sex relies more on hugging, holding, and caressing than it does on actual penetration. Physical sex may last for only minutes, while spiritual sex can last for hours, says Kudia.

He offers some tips:
1.  Assume a comfortable position such as lying side by side, facing each other and embracing. Or sit and face each other; sit between him and wrap your legs around him.

2. Caress, hug, and stroke your partner in slow, controlled movements...even when having intercourse.

3. Focus on the sensation of being stroked, hugged, and caressed and how it feels to you.

4. Remember, the emphasis is not on sexual stimulation. The emphasis should be on expressing your affection.

5. Make lots of eye contact. The eyes are the window to the soul (or as Fabio once said on national television, 'the soul is the window to the eyes'). Gazing deepens the connection.

6. Breathe together. This is one of the most powerful things you can do to create more intimacy.

7. Focus on your own inner feelings and imagine those feelings migrating to your heart and flowing from your heart to your partner's heart. In a more active fashion, you can channel your sexual energies from your genitals upward to your heart and send it out to your partner. Developing your chakras will help make this more fulfilling.

According to Kudia, the overall message of Spiritual Sex is about taking your ego out of your sexual experience, focusing on your partner, and taking your time. "To paraphrase President John F. Kennedy, ask not what your partner can do for you, ask what you can do for your partner!"

What Heals, How do We Grow? 

Every human being is inherently good and beautiful, and even though their action may seem strangely contradictory, every being is striving toward understanding of their deeper nature and desiring to move toward light, God, wholeness, enlightenment or whatever you want to call it. All the human drama is just steps along the way. Knowing this, however, doesn't always make the human drama/trauma any easier to deal with, as I'm sure many of you have experienced first hand many times. How many of you have struggled with a particular situation knowing full well that there must be an easier way to be with it, and yet you didn't find the way through. Sometimes it's merely slightly annoying and other times we feel like we are trapped in hell. That's the human experience. There is a lot of glossing over, distracting and pretending that can happen along the journey in the name of non-attachment and transformation, but that's missing the true beauty, aliveness and depth of the process of life. Besides, many of the tricks we learn to cope with and survive life only work temporarily; even though temporary could mean a lifetime or more.

So what heals and how do we grow? Being in the profession of helping people with their journey, as well as being a journeyer myself (sometimes a struggling one), this has always been one of the most significant questions for me personally and professionally.

The best and simplest definition that I've ever come across of what a therapist, teacher, healer or guide is meant to be, is the following phrase by Abram Kardiner quoted by Judith Lewis Herman in her book Trauma and Recovery: "The role of the therapist is that of an assistant to the client, whose goal is to help the client do the job that he/she is trying to do spontaneously." What's implied here is that our being knows how to heal. Our body, our nervous system and our psyche have the innate ability to restore health and well-being given time and the appropriate support. Our soul is naturally seeking wholeness. I especially like the phrase"being an assistant to the client," putting my skills and resources at the disposal of the client but always honoring the fact that the client is in charge of their own process. Given enough space and support they probably know better what they need than I do.

A good therapist or guide, in my eyes, is someone who is a good listener and never insists that he/she is right. Making suggestions, offering possibilities, of course, but never forcefully pushing their concepts and opinions no matter how right or valuable they might be. No two people are alike, no two situations are the same and everyone's journey is unique. The person and their experience is always more important than any concept of what might help them. Our souls have their own timetable and we as healers are only here to support and ease the way.

What heals? How do we grow? What's the way to wholeness? have also been key questions in most spiritual traditions since time immemorial. The whole master disciple relationship was centered around them. Now with modern day complexities, these questions are even more meaningful. It was a little easier in the 60's and 70's when there really weren't all that many different workshops and teachers available. We all just went for what was new and exciting; everything was worth a try. And so we grew. And now here we are in the 90's and what's being offered has grown too. Certainly the variety is immense. "What do you think heals?" is a good question to ask the therapists and teachers you want to go to or whose workshop you're considering joining. Especially when you are feeling vulnerable, it's a difficult time to go out there and seek help; chances are you will find only too many people who want to give you their answer and advice instead of listening and supporting you until you find your own way. I've had all kinds of experiences myself in trying to get help. Many very good ones, fortunately, and some total disasters also. One danger in the growth movement is the quick-fix mentality; just like fast-food is quite tasty, this may give you lots of experience in the moment but maybe not always much nourishment or integration. We all like the idea of all our troubles gone forever in one big bang, and so we are attracted to experiences that promise this - but that's not necessarily how things work. One of my teacher's slogans is "slow is faster" , and I've seen the validity of her words many times. Sometimes taking lots of time to relax, breathe and build safety is like fertilizing the ground before the flowers can blossom.

In ancient times, every village or culture had their elders, shamans and wise women, and they were available for everyone in times of spiritual, emotional or physical need. That's how wisdom and spiritual understanding were passed on. It was an absolutely crucial part of the social structure that kept everyone nurtured and in touch with the depth of life. I view today's workshops as much-needed modern day mystery schools; the 20th century evolvement of ancient day teachings, rituals and rites of passage. In the development of the Sacred Loving workshops over the many years we've led them now, we've created such a learning context; a space where people are honored and deep growing can take place.

To be a conscious (or an educated) consumer in the new age world of spirituality and enlightenment is no easy task, as you are seeking to find someone who sees you more clearly than you can yourself. Since there is much to choose from, my simplest suggestion to you for choosing well where you go, is to give yourself permission to ask questions, as many questions as you want, and then to let your heart guide you.

Learn to Fight Fair.  A Guide to An Enlightened Fight

by Jamie Nishi
Published: 07/30/2007

How couples fight and when they fight can speak measures about their relationship. Fighting fair is a sign of mutual respect. It shows the value that each person places on the relationship. Resolving conflict nicely is also a skill that you and your partner can discuss and develop together. It's one that will make fights less damaging and more productive. Who knows? If you follow these fair fighting guidelines, you might even learn to love a good fight!
Check it out

To avoid disappointments and fighting later in a relationship, it's important to find out where your partner stands on issues that are (or will) be important to you. Before you move in or get deeply involved with someone, know how they feel about fundamentals like marriage, money, sex and children. Talk candidly about where you don't match up and gauge whether or not there's room for flexibility. Even couples who have been together for years can practice this as goals and expectations change over time.

Easy does it
Practice safe ways of letting your partner know if something they are doing is upsetting you. Avoid harsh words or accusations like "Something's wrong with you!" or "You don't love me." Instead, try to express how your partner's actions make you feel: "It makes me feel unloved when you don't hold my hand, hug or kiss me in public." Using the pronoun "I" instead of "You" can make what you say seem less like a criticism and more like an incentive to have an open discussion about your relationship.

Stay on topic
It's often something small that triggers a fight about a larger relationship issue. For instance, a disagreement over who gets to hold the TV remote is really about control issues in the relationship. Stay on topic. If you avoid bickering over little things or past grievances, and do your best to listen to one another without interruption, your argument will come to a swifter resolution.

Be kind
In a heated argument, there's always the temptation to make a smart or stinging remark. Keep it to yourself. You will regret it almost instantly, and your partner will have a very hard time forgiving and forgetting those words. In a fair fight, careful words that address the topic in terms of your feelings will carry more weight than sarcasm or spite. In any relationship, always practice loving speech.

Cease and desist
In an argument, it's easy to lose sight of rationality. When you feel yourself starting to become irrational, stop yourself and say: "I'm getting so worked up about this, I'm becoming irrational. Can we take a break to collect our thoughts." Sometimes just stating the fact can change the course of the argument.

Volume control
Yelling not only works up your blood pressure and all the physiological things that lead to irrationality, but it puts the other person on the defensive. If you notice the volume of your voice beginning to rise, take a deep breath, lower your voice and say what you need to say in a calm, restrained manner. You'll be surprised at how much more effective your words are when they are delivered this way.

Kiss and make up
Last, but far from least, make up! Part of fighting fair is also forgiving. No one is perfect in a relationship. There are times when we all raise our voices or become confused by frustration and emotion. Having compassion for each other's suffering will be, in the end, what gets you through the rough times.

Seven Steps to Live Longer 

By Barbara Bartlein

We have all heard the stories; the executive retires in Spring and dies before the first Winter snowfall. While some may conclude that the former exec just couldn’t adjust to retirement, it is more likely that they burned themselves out working. That is, years of shortchanging their own personal well-being finally caught up with them.

It is so easy to get trapped on the treadmill of demanding schedules and too many priorities using caffeinated energy to get things done. It is often self-care that gets put on the shelf first because there just isn’t time to exercise and eat right. Yet, there is increasing research that even small lifestyle changes can be a major factor in a long healthy life.

Some suggestions:
• Keep a long fuse. Scientists use to believe that “Type A’s,” those people driven by ambition, were most at risk for heart attacks. But recent research demonstrates that it is not striving for goals that have people dropping like flies; it is being hostile, angry and cynical. A hostile disposition is also dangerous once cardiovascular disease sets in. Dr. Murray Mittleman, a cardiovascular epidemiologist at the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, interviewed 1623 men and women who had heart attacks. He found that the risk of having an attack was twice as great in those that were angry in the two hours before the incident.

• Lighten up. There is increasing evidence linking depression to heart disease. Johns Hopkins researchers interviewed 1551 people in the early 1980’s who were free of heart disease. They followed up fourteen years later and found that those who reported a history of a major depression were four times as likely to have a heart attack as those not depressed.

• Get off the couch. Not only for weight control, better circulation, reduced risk of diabetes, but exercise actually works as an anti-depressant. In a recent study at Duke University, 60 % of clinically depressed people who took a brisk 30-minute walk at least three times per week were no longer depressed after 16 weeks. Increasingly psychiatrists are finding that exercise can often work as well as anti-depressants for the mildly depressed individual.

• Flatten the middle. It’s been more than 50 years since French scientist Jean Vague noted that people with a lot of upper-body fat (those that look like apples, rather than pears), often developed heart disease, diabetes and other ailments. Since the introduction of CT and MRI scans, Drs. have discovered that a visceral fat, located within the abdomen was strongly linked to these diseases. The good news is that this type of fat also burns off the fastest. This is why even a small reduction in weight can reverse the deadly factors of heart disease.

• Limit bad habits. Heavy drinking, smoking, overeating, and over caffeinating are major factors in the development of heart disease and other problems. It has been found that both drinking and smoking tend to increase the abdominal fat that puts folks at risk for heart disease. Excessive caffeine increased blood pressure to dangerous levels for people experiencing job stress.

• Fire up your metabolism. New research shows that a healthy metabolic profile counts far more than cardiovascular fitness or weight alone. In a Japanese study, a group of men were put on a low-intensity exercise program for one year. Although they did not lose weight, nor improve their cardiovascular fitness, their metabolic health improved dramatically (measured by how well the body utilizes insulin). States Glenn A. Glaesser of the University of Virginia, “Metabolic fitness is one of the best safeguards against heart disease, stroke and diabetes.”

• Approach sleep like Goldilocks—Just right. In a recent study of 72,000 nurses published in the January Archives of Internal Medicine, researchers found that getting too little sleep—or too much—may raise the risk of developing heart disease. Women who averaged five hours or less of sleep a night were 39% more likely to develop heart disease than those that got eight hours. And nine or more hours of shuteye was associated with a 37% higher risk of heart disease.

Your best investment for the future is in your health today.

Spring Clean Your Sex Life! Attitude adjustments for better sex

by S.K. Smith

Do you find yourself wishing you had more of a sex life or at least a better one? Wondering what others are doing right that you're doing wrong? Well, with the weather heating up and libidos going into overdrive, it's time to spring clean your sex life with a little creativity and attitude adjustment.

Stop faking it
When it comes to faking it, there are a few things to consider. First, are you faking it when you actually want to have an orgasm but it's just not working? Or are you faking it because you want it to be over? Are you faking it because you don't want him to feel like a failure? Or are you faking it because you feel like you're one?

Sex is complex. It's not usually neat (or at least it shouldn't be!) and it can't be put into a box (no pun intended). But one of the worst habits to kill your sexlife is to get into is pretending something is happening when it's not. Of course this goes far beyond the bedroom, but the complexity of faking orgasm serves as a good lesson for all those other areas where honesty is important too.

First, stop faking it. Period. You're only fooling yourself. Now, tell your partner what you need, when you need it. This doesn't mean barking out orders (unless that's your thing!), but the more communicative you can be about your needs (for instance, not all people want to orgasm every time… and some don't mind doing it themselves on occasion), the more likely you are to have them met. If your lover has it in their head that they're not doing their job unless you come, but you haven't told them how to do it, consider who's failing whom. Or, if you're pretending just to get it over with but then wondering why you feel resentful as the other person falls asleep, ask yourself why? And lastly, if you're faking just to stroke an ego, all you're doing is giving your partner false confidence… and a false sense of sexual security in a relationship that's not reciprocal. That's not fair to either of you.

No where to hide

So you're not Heidi Klum or Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Neither are most of us. But if you're so caught up in the fact that fill in the blank (my stomach sticks out, my thighs jiggle a little, my sexy bits are too small, etc.), you're missing out on the whole point of sex! It's not about being perfect, it's about being present. And present is one thing you're NOT if you're obsessed with being seen at your best angle in your best light.

If you're the one who always leaves the light off (and shirt on), consider this: Is your partner perfect? Do they have the eyes and abs of Scarlett Johansson or Antonio Sabato Jr., or the face of David Beckham with the legs to match? If so, good for you. But even if you're lover is an Athena or Adonis, the truth is they're with you for a reason (and sometimes the reasons aren't all that complicated). Among other things, they DEFINITELY find you attractive.

Accept that you're not perfect and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Confidence goes a long way in someone's eyes, and believe it or not, he's probably not looking at that mole on your back or the extra meat on your middle. And if they are, they may very well like it right where it is. Remember, your sex life will be a lot hotter than it is when you recognize that you're a lot hotter than you think.

Spice it up
Nunu suggests, "It's Springtime and it's out with the old and in with the new. This time of year we traditionally update the humdrum, but I'm not talking about your closet! Try something both interesting and fun. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Supercharged Kama Sutra by Al Link, is a wonderful book full of ideas and surprises to recharge the mundane or add extra spice to an already passionate sex life. Sharing the book together or leaving it available to entice curiosity in your partner, are super sexy ideas to get the blood flowing. New and different ways to make each other feel good never gets old and is vital to every relationship!"